| dear lj, |
[November 5 2009] |
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of whom I haven't written to in a looooooooooooooooong while. I haven't even been able to write what I've been feeling. It happened June 6th, 2009 it was a night I thought was just like any other. I received a phone call from my mother telling me to go to the hospital because my cousin cris was in an accident. I didn't think at the time that it was anything serious you know just few bum scratches or a bruised rib, but he would be okay....that we would laugh it off. That I would see him smiling and reassuring me he was okay. I arrived at the hospital with that perspective inside my mind only to find out......he was.....DEAD! My big family was all crammed up in the hospital going in small groups to see my cousin. I felt my throat go dry and I didn't really want to talk. My cousin Desirey hugged me and we talked for a bit. I could hear my Aunt Alice screaming with sobbing tears. My heart hurt because I could feel for her....her baby boy is dead...SIGH.....almost all of my family had already seen Cris...I asked around but wanted someone close to me to go in with me. I asked my father and held my hand as we entered the room. The room white as ever with 4 walls and my father pulled the sheet back from my cousin cris's head. I suddenly felt the wind knocked out of me....I got weak and wanted to faint...my father helped me to the chair in the corner...I began to cry and the memories that we shared ran through my head then there was a halt...there would be no more memories to make...He was only 20 and we were going to celebrate his 21st bday in Sept......Sigh...I sat there in that seat for a good half hour until I could stand I looked at his face...his tattoos...I would no longer be able to see his smiling face back at me...I would no longer run into him in the city or at a show...it was gone...he was gone...due to a drunk driver...a 19yr old with 3 other minors in the back seat and a 20 pack of budlight.....I couldn't even describe what I felt....While in the other room lay my cousin's friend Seth...he was badly injured and ended up being stable through the night....I still cry and think of my cousin cris till this day...the funeral was a dragged out process by the time we got his body so it could be ready for the funeral...this guy lived his life and had traveled...impacted so many people that his funeral was HUGE....jammed pack....the funeral car line was insanely long...I felt touched...My aunt asked me to write a poem for my cousin's funeral and I did. It was hard at first trying to write down what all these years had yielded and I somehow after a few drafts jotted it all down. I even cut stanzas but as hard as I tried that day to hold back my tears to read this poem to my cousin they came out. I can't even recall if the words I was speaking came out clear because I couldn't hold back...it all came out....sigh my cousin marche and I sang an old song as they lowered his casket into the ground....This day is still in my mind never vivid...and I keep trying to tell myself I won't run into him....It's just been so hard that after the funeral I kept asking God to take me away....I shouldve been the one to die because my cousin was so young and he was living his life to the fullest. These days I don't feel worthy enough of anything. I feel like I'm losing myself and my body is literally failing me. I have a ct scan next week and my head hurts so bad that I want to shoot it off. My arm is still bruised it's almost two weeks from when I went to the E.R. and well I don't want to be here. So I continue to pray and keep on with my life cause I know my cousin would want that. I don't know how long I'm going to live with this pain because I miss him so much. My aunt called me the other day to let me know they had uploaded my cousin cris's funeral videos on youtube and as soon as I watched them I began to cry. My aunt started to cry and I was trying to be strong for her....I can't even express....sigh. On a side note, Seth is going better and undergoing rehab. I hope he'll be out soon...recovery though is in site which is good...my prayers go out to you, seth. Though I still miss you, Cris. I'm going to try to keep on for you even though it's hard. I feel like an 80 yr old woman...I pray that next week they don't find a tumor or something. Otc meds don't work and I got put on midrin....well now that's not working as great....SIGH.....I love you and miss you so much Cris Isaac. <3 RIP and I know you'll be saving me a place. Hope to see you soon. You are greatly missed but never forgotten....forever remembered. I LOVE YOU.
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[June 28 2009] |
i don't care who reads this or if this goes unread.
so many things have happened in my life i've lost tons of friends and i don't care for them much less miss them.
i wish i could start a new life somewhere where i don't know anyone. a new city maybe even a new country.
just pick up and leave. never turn back. i wish i had that kind of courage despite my financial earnings.
i'm at the point where i've realized i'm on my own.
i've lost two very close people to me that have shaken my world so hard i feel like i can't breathe at times.
one was my grandpa and the other my cousin.
my grandpa wasn't doing well so i'd stop to pay him some visits in the hospital. he went through rehab and he was starting to walk again.
then out of nowhere he just dies. i made my peace with him but i wish he would've lived longer although me and my grandma are getting closer than before. he died young though he was 62. as for my cousin which was most recent it hit me so hard i couldn't stop crying. i was crying every single day i just couldn't take it. he was rear ended by some drunken 18 year old idiot who had a 20 pack of beer along with 3 other minors that were 16 yrs of age. my cousin's life ended because of this jerk! he's in prison for intoxication of manslaughter and it isn't his first time either! sigh. my cousin died at 20 years old we were going to hit up a few places together since his 21st bday is in sept like mine but only 29 days later after mine. we were so close...i miss him dearly. going to shows seeing him play or just bumping into him. we'd talk for hours on end. he was only 20 i took it so hard i'd cry out to god and wish it was me instead of my cousin. he had such ambition...that drive....the way he lived his life was literally living it as though it was your last day. there was never a dull moment. he was always goofing off but worked hard for this company. his shoes were all marked with LIFE on the end of them. so many people showed up to his funeral it was heartwarming to see even people that didn't know him personally but were so impacted by him. even his fans from around the states. GEEZ. he was so young and had his whole life ahead of him. i broke down in the hospital when i arrived to hear the news. i was doing the usual sonic slush and my mother called me to tell me my cousin was in an accident. so i rushed there thinking he'd be half smiling telling me it was only a few scratches and he's DEAD. my whole family and some of his friends were there. sigh when i saw his body my heart collapsed i couldn't breathe...someone literally knocked the wind out of me. i had to stay there for a few hours to recollect myself. i literally almost fainted because i couldn't walk. i felt as though i had lost a child....i wrote a poem for him and read it outloud to a room filled service and me & my cousin sang a song as they lowered his coffin into the ground. so handsome. the good ones die young.
i awake each day and thank god for a new day on this earth, but i don't want it.
i pass each day and live it strong only bec. i ask god for strength.
i just want to know my purpose on this earth because since i'm not dead i want to complete it.
so many inspirations throughout my family line.
i just don't know anymore , god....
sigh...
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[July 9 2008] |
i'm the happiest i've ever been in my life <3
i couldn't be any more happier at this moment.
it's like loki once said "life is a series of moments" and i'm living those moments.
it's kind of odd how old friends are trying to come back into my life.
sure we hanged out and i must say you've matured.
we can have decent conversations.
most people come and go in your life.
most people don't deserve to be part of your life.
i swear i've given everything i could but in the end most aren't willing to do the same.
so fuck it. you live and you learn.
reading a new book. you can never stop learning. i'm such a nerd! >.<
my book collection seems to be growing like mad.
times are getting hard but i stop and look around only to see how much i've progressed since jan.
my mindset has changed and i'm doing what i must.
not fooling around.
i must admit my thirst for things like alcohol and ciggarettes have decreased.
alcohol no longer quenches my thirst but leaves my mouth dry.
back to the old good tea <3
i love the scent of tea after you boil it.
don't you?
so many changes, so little time.
i love my friends <3
every single one of them.
i couldn't ask for more.
i love how even my love can still amaze me each day as well as my friends.
surprising me with the littlest things.
i do have to say that i'm very thankful to have found people
that would go into the very depths of the world and back for me as i would for them.
feels so good to have finally found that. :)
previously i had changed my thoughts on marriage.
didn't want it at all. why pay more taxes?
i can see myself forever waking up to this person and falling asleep to them.
cooking and cleaning together even shopping.
shoooooooot. i already feel like i'm married. :D
but feeling and being are two completely different things.
i'd marry you, my love. <3
in due time, though of course, silly.
i can't wait until august so much planned.
a long awaited getaway is due.
sure vacation now but getaway soon.
i'll need more places to visit.
any ideas from anyone who still reads this?
off i must go.
hope everyone has an amazing week.
;]
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